Preventing (Your Own) Murder, Part 2
Avoid Manipulative Pseudo-strangers
Welcome to Interpersonal!
Check out Part One of “Preventing Your Own Murder,” where we talked about what a pseudo-stranger is, and left off with the hypothetical guy at the bar and rule #1 -
Staying Safe with Pseudo-strangers, Rule #1, part A: Your “no” is a complete sentence.
This discussion is an important part of Domestic Violence Awareness because, even if you aren’t in immediate danger the very night you meet this manipulator, with these behaviors he is waving a red flag that he could become a coercive or violent abuser down the road.
For instance, suppose you say “no” to the drink offer, and then the guy says something like, “You think you’re too good for me, don’t you?” or, “Why are you being such a bitch?” Gavin deBecker calls this manipulative behavior “typecasting,” (it’s also called “negging”), and it is designed to get you to change your behavior in order to prove him wrong, to be nicer, and give him your time and attention. Please DON’T GIVE your time and attention to someone who has already insulted you. This brings us to -
Staying Safe with Pseudo-strangers, Rule #1, part B: Don’t say “no” unless you mean it, and if you say it, stick to it.
If you want someone in your life, keep communicating with him. If not, don’t. It might seem like an over-simplification, but any engagement invites him into your life. So, before you defend yourself, throw a drink in his face, or insult him back, just ask yourself: is this a person I want to invite into my life? Because, if you do any of that, you just have.
Staying Safe with Pseudo-strangers, Rule #2: A nice person isn’t always a good person.
Anyone can pretend to be nice and charming, sometimes obscuring who or what they are on the inside. Hey, charm has its time and place, and it can feel good to be “charmed” by someone. But, charm is not a personality trait. Charm is a choice. It is something a person DOES, not something a person IS.
Staying Safe with Pseudo-strangers, Rule #3: Don’t always believe everything you hear.
It’s only natural to believe what someone says about what they do for a living or where they’re from, or that they are single. However, it’s important to maintain a healthy skepticism when it comes to high-stakes interactions with strangers and pseudo-strangers. Always be prepared to ask yourself, what do they have to gain by lying? It could be something as innocent as your attention or your phone number, or it could be something more sinister.
Staying Safe with Pseudo-strangers, Rule #4: NEVER go to the second location with someone if you feel uncomfortable with them.
A second location could mean stepping outside (if you’re in a bar), getting into a car (if the interaction starts in a parking lot), going into the house (if it starts on the porch), or turning down an alleyway (if it starts on the street).
So, instead of inviting into your life someone who exhibits these behaviors, and turning a pseudo-stranger into a boyfriend, what if you stop it right there and say, “Dude, that was my ‘NO’ you just stepped on. I’m outta here!”
…and he never becomes a part of your life at all?
Please, let’s not ignore the red flags when they’re waved at us. And remember:
Stay safe out there, y’all.
*A word about prevention of violence. Posts like this in no way presume or assume that the rules or guidelines therein will literally prevent violence or homicide in all cases. What they can do, and what we all can do, is move the needle as much as possible away from potential abuse or violence in any interaction.