Preventing (Your Own) Murder, Part 1
It all starts with the word "no."
Welcome to Interpersonal!
October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, which makes it the perfect time to talk about the prevention of violence, and for that it is important to go back to the beginning of a relationship. The VERY beginning. Like, before you even meet the potential abuser at that party or at that bar or at that coffee shop or in that class (or even the grocery store parking lot, if you’re the awful Weinberg guy recently arrested in Hollywood…).
And, hey, even if you have no desire meet someone romantically, or you’re a guy who thinks you will never have to worry about any of this, let me say, 1, the women in your life DO (so pass this along to them, please), and 2, anyone - including men - CAN become the target of manipulation or victims of interpersonal violence.
Okay, let’s talk about specific, realistic, and common scenarios, along with some guidelines for staying safe.
ALWAYS listen to your intuition and reject anyone who tries to talk you out of yours, even if it angers them. ESPECIALLY if it angers them. Someone who wishes you ill is the only kind of person who will get angry at a rejection.
Your rudeness will NEVER turn a good guy into a bad guy.
If someone wants your time or attention and you don’t want to give it, it is ALWAYS best to end the interaction immediately, quickly, and with as few words as possible. The more you explain, not only are you interacting with someone you don’t want to interact with, but you are offering more opportunities for them to stay in your life and enhance their investment in you. You’re building a relationship, my friend. Why is that? Because if you interact with someone, you’re in a relationship. It’s up to you how long that relationship lasts. “Thanks for the coffee” signals to the barista the beginning and end of that relationship. “Thanks for the coffee, what’re you doing after you get off work?” extends the relationship.
Another specific scenario: You’re in a club, or at a party, and a guy slides up to you. That guy is what I call a pseudo-stranger (different from a true stranger in that the context of a bar or party makes this interaction acceptable, at first). If he wants to chat or buy you a drink, but you are just not interested, you don’t owe a reason. A simple “No, thank you” should suffice.
Next part of the scenario. He reacts with, “Okay, have a good night.” And leaves. Awesome. End of interaction. However, suppose he does something else, anything else. Suppose he overreacts. Suppose he doesn’t accept your “no” and decides to say something rude or insulting. What do you do? Only ONE choice here, my friend: end the interaction right there and walk away. This leads us to Staying Safe from Pseudo-strangers, Rule #1:
The word “no” is a complete sentence, and that is something it is NEVER too soon to teach someone. If he meets your “No” with “Be nice!” “Come on!” or “Why not?!” you now know all you need to know about him, which is that he is trying to control you.
Soon we will delve further into Staying Safe from Pseudo-strangers, addressing that horrible little thing called “negging” and other ways you can detect and react to a manipulator. In the meantime, read more on using your intuition to stay safe in Gavin deBecker’s The Gift of Fear.
(BTW, I did a Facebook Live on my Now Fear This! podcast’s FB page a while back, where I addressed some of these issues. Despite the technology failing at first, eventually I got to some good info, so stick with the video!)