Welcome to Interpersonal!
Codependent is a word that gets thrown around a lot within the world of self-help. It’s such a common trait that there are literal 12-step programs to help people recover from it, and all of us might have a vague notion that it is important to know about it, but what the hell is it, exactly?!
These characteristics can be signs of codependency:
Feeling directly responsible for another’s emotional state
Always giving more than you receive in relationships
Valuing others’ approval of you more than your own approval of you
Fearing change more than you fear staying in a not-great relationship
Avoiding rejection or others’ anger at all costs
Routinely putting aside your own interests in order to do what others want
Offering unsolicited advice & trying to influence what to think, do, or feel
If any of this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. I used to struggle with codependency in my own relationships, not realizing that by needing everyone to be okay all the time (especially in their thoughts and feelings towards me!) I was taking on something that wasn’t mine to take on.
I was trying to control their feelings, so that I would feel okay.
The next super-unhealthy step was, I blamed myself when they were not okay.
It turned out that this controlling behavior was doing a disservice to me as well as to the people I loved.
Keep reading with a 7-day free trial
Subscribe to Interpersonal: The Newsletter to keep reading this post and get 7 days of free access to the full post archives.